Scottish referendum was ludicrous

All lovers of Queen and Country will be glad to see and end to the tiresome bother of a plebiscite held by that rabble clad in wool. Those uncultured sheepherders to the north have not even managed to successfully hold a referendum. While for a time it seemed that they just might manage to leave the Union and make themselves more hilariously irrelevent than they already are, even this ill-fated attempt has collapsed like a house built of bangers, beans and mash. Considering the possibility of an independent Scotland has certainly been an interesting thought experiment for the last several years. Granted, it did take the staff of my household responsible for reading the newspaper to me quite some time to convince me that it was not a joke; I did not fully believe it until the Queen herself told me that they were truly being given a choice. I am sure you can understand my confusion; who has ever heard of the Scots deciding anything for themselves? More importantly, the referendum itself must have been very difficult to conduct. What use is a ballot to a person who cannot read and is more likely to mark it with a claymore than a pen?

But once I was convinced that some of that utterly incomprehensible lot in womens’ clothes actually did want to leave the United Kingdom, I carefully considered the potential consequences of their departure. I realized that England stands to lose quite a lot: First of all, we would lose all tramps, everywhere. Second, we would lose James Bond now that Skyfall has revealed that he was born in Scotland and lived there for the first twelve years of his life. Third, I would lose the extensive holdings that my family has in Fife (or is it Argyll?). Fourth, we would have to go back to making fun of the Welsh. This simply does not seem sporting now that all their coal mines have shut down and their economy resembles bloody Mali. Fifth, we would see a surge of Scots flooding across the northern frontier when they realized scotch,

yelling and cross-dressing is no basis for an economy. While this might put the Poles who do my gardening out of work, it would certainly make our Scottish hunting trips more convenient as we would be able to hire them as translators.

So after months of mentally and financially preparing myself for all of this, the Scots have voted “NO” and it was all for nothing. I even sold off my holdings in Scotland and bought some new estates in New Zealand (or was it Bermuda?)! They cannot not do anything right, even when it is just a matter of saying “YES” and getting their own country. I guess this means that we are stuck with them. For better or for worse, our family of nations survives and we need to work out how to live together. I think we should all start by watching Braveheart to acknowledge what happened the last time the Scots tried to think for themselves. Perhaps then what we need is to bond over a good old-fashioned naval bombardment. See you in Copenhagen.

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